Do you find yourself looking outside of yourself to see how you’re doing? Maybe you worry about how others perceive you, hold back parts of yourself out of fear of disapproval, or crave reassurance that you’re on the “right” path.
If so, you’re not alone. The need for external validation is a deeply ingrained part of being human, but it’s also a trap that can keep you stuck, disconnected from your true self, and feeling “not enough.”
The Origins of Seeking Validation
The tendency to seek approval from others often begins with the messages we receive about ourselves early in life. For many, these messages are overt—a critical parent, a bully at school, or someone who tells us outright that we’re not enough. But they can also be much subtler.
Children are naturally egocentric. They assume that everything happening around them is somehow their fault. For example:
A baby cries out in the night to be fed, but no one comes right away. The baby may not think, “They’re asleep,” but instead, “I must not be worth coming to quickly.”
A parent’s distracted look after a hard day might be interpreted as disappointment in the child.
Whether it’s through words, actions, or something we perceive, many of us internalize the belief that we are somehow not enough.
Perfectionism and People-Pleasing: Two Common Responses
I have a theory that this is where perfectionism and people-pleasing often come from.
1. Perfectionism:When a parent or authority figure is critical, children often assume it’s their fault. Instead of recognizing that the criticism may stem from the parent’s internal struggles, we think, “If I were better—perfect, even—they wouldn’t criticize me.”
So we strive for perfection, believing that if we can eliminate every flaw, we’ll finally earn their approval. But here’s the catch: the criticism was never about us in the first place. It was always about the other person’s projections, frustrations, or unresolved issues.
No matter how perfect we try to be, the criticism continues because the source of it isn’t our behavior—it’s the other person’s internal world. This leaves us chasing an impossible goal, stuck in a cycle of trying harder and harder to be “enough.”
2. People-Pleasing:People-pleasing works the same way. If someone is critical or dismissive of us, we might think, “If I make them happy, they’ll treat me better.” We focus on what they value, what they praise, what they seem to like, and try to embody that.
But just like perfectionism, this approach doesn’t work. The criticism or dismissal was never about us—it was about them. No amount of people-pleasing can change how someone feels or behaves if their issues are rooted in their own experiences, beliefs, or insecurities.
My Personal Experience
For years, I fell into these patterns, especially with my family. The pandemic brought everything to the surface, highlighting how little my family has ever supported or understood me.
When I became a hypnotherapist, they dismissed it as a phase.
When I studied medical intuition, they mocked it.
My six-figure business? They called it “your little practice.”
I spent years trying to prove myself to people who were never interested in understanding or supporting me. It was exhausting, and it kept me from fully living my truth.
The turning point came when I realized I was trying to get a cat to bark. It’s not in a cat’s nature to bark, and it wasn’t in my family’s nature to be curious, open-minded, or supportive. Letting go of that expectation freed me.
The Cost of Seeking Validation
The biggest problem with seeking external validation is that it disconnects us from ourselves.
It wastes energy. We spend time trying to win approval from people who may never give it.
It stifles authenticity. We hold back parts of ourselves to avoid judgment or criticism.
It creates dependence. Our self-worth becomes tied to how others perceive us, leaving us vulnerable to their moods and opinions.
When we live for others, we lose the opportunity to live fully and authentically for ourselves.
Breaking Free from the Need for Validation
If you’re ready to break free from this cycle, here are some steps to consider:
1. Understand the Source: Reflect on where this pattern started. Was it a critical parent? A dismissive partner? Recognizing the root can help you see that the need for validation often stems from past experiences, not present reality.
2. Reclaim Your Power: Acknowledge that other people’s opinions are not facts. Their judgments often reflect their own issues, not your worth.
3. Practice Self-Validation: Instead of looking outward, turn inward. Celebrate your achievements, honor your feelings, and remind yourself of your strengths.
4. Set Boundaries: Distance yourself from people who consistently diminish or dismiss you. Protecting your peace is an act of self-love.
5. Surround Yourself with Positivity: Spend time with people who value and support you. Their encouragement can help reinforce your self-worth.
The Freedom of Authenticity
When you let go of the need for external validation, you open the door to living authentically. You stop wasting energy trying to win approval and start channeling it into creating a life that aligns with who you truly are.
You are enough—exactly as you are. And when you fully embrace that truth, you’ll find a sense of peace and freedom that no one else can give or take away.
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